“There is a certain Buddhistic calm that comes from having….money in the bank.”

oh, money blog, how i have neglected you so.  see, i’d rather not think about you, i like spending without wondering how much i have left, or whether or not more will be coming in.  yes, i know, not the most financially responsible way to live.

this morning, i checked our bank account and was elated to see that hal’s bi/weekly paycheck went through.  it was expected, but after spending the past five days at home without so much as a dime to our names, it was a relief.

do you know what happened next?  i decided to take the kids out to lunch and i’ll be damned if my mind didn’t start cataloging and listing and fluttering through all the things i needed to buy.  not but two days ago i proudly said to hal, “i’m gonna go through the month of august without spending any money, except for gas!”  i even have plans to get most of, if not all, the kid’s school supplies free.  but my brain!  and its reaction to money in my pocket!

i have not done much reading on the topic of money or how it affects individuals in the different classes.  this is an area in my life where some guidance and perspective is greatly needed.  i have been a steady participant of the lower middle class since birth, oscillating between there and poverty during my upbringing.  i’m currently of the class that can just make all their bills, can afford the occasional costly outing, and has food in the fridge until close to payday (often in abundance, but never packaged snack foods – always meals and fruit, because boxed snacks are for the rich and financially irresponsible).  we are in the class that can’t afford to go on a vacation unless someone dies and leaves us a chunk of change, we hit the lottery, or we charge it.  to be honest with you, sometimes i feel stuck in this class.  and i’m keenly aware of its proximity to poverty as oppose to the upper middle class.

my husband also comes from a lower middle class upbringing and is a bit of an underachiever himself (a struggle we both have).  to his credit, however, he is an underachiever with a master’s degree.  his master’s degree is a huge motivator in my own pursuit for a higher education.  that degree also keep us financially floating above poverty level.  oh, that and my social security disability check each month.

hal and i have visions of living in the upper echelons of society at some point, but i know that will not happen unless i go through college.

i have heard many of people say how their degree doesn’t help them at all.  that they are still struggling financially.  i know this happens.  however, unlike many twenty year olds, i’m not going through college for the experience of college: dorms, partying, friends or because it’s my right of passage into adulthood.  i’m going for two practical reasons:  to work in a field that i will love and to MAKE MORE MONEY DOING IT.  i think practical is the key word for me, i can’t be taking no foo-foo drawing classes without any real direction at this stage in my life.  i’m past that luxury.  it has become necessary to think more about what i could realistically do for a career, than what would be fun.

that may sound souless to an young idealist with no real responsibilities (it certainly would have to me back then), but it actually requires a lot of heart and soul.  for me it takes guts to finish school with the life i have.  after all, i hope that someday, i can provide my own children with the resources to excel in education and to see college as the natural way to go after highschool.  i often think, “if only i had my bachelors, i could go straight into a the license clinical social worker program.” i really want to help elevate my family from the brink of poverty.  yeah, i know, many of you are laughing your ass off thinking, SOCIAL WORK??? you want to elevate your financial status doing social work???  and to that i say, i have the smarts to make it to the top of my field (i’ll be focusing on psychiatric/mental health while seriously considering going all the way to becoming a doctor of psychiatric care, i just got to get over my underachiever hump).  if i were to bring home anything between $30,000-50,000/year, it would raise our financial class quite a lot.  anything over that and we are seriously living in the lap of luxury.

thirty-four, and not giving up.  it’s never too late to have dreams.

i pretty much ignore the fact that i have this blog. mostly, cuz i hate dealing with my finances more than deemed absolutely necessary. i am amazed that we live paycheck to paycheck considering my husband has a professional career that requires a minimum of a master’s degree. if it weren’t for the exuberant cost of health insurance for our family, we would still be living frugally, but at the very least, with a growing savings account.

the growing savings account is a challenge.  one that prolly won’t be taken on until i am working full-time, again.

we are hanging in there, though.  my monthly disability checks help, but just barely put us in a comfort zone.  my financial goal is to get us to a place where we can live off of one check, just in case the unthinkable happens.  this month, with our income tax return, we have chosen to get out of debt rather than put that money into our home repair needs.  i hope this decision doesn’t bite us in the ass half way through the year.

if you are curious as to what an average family has to pay for monthly bills, not including gas, food, credit cards, student loans, and the extra needs that inevitably come up every month, i have laid out our bills for you to see…

mortgage:                1052.00

FPL (electric):          250.00 (we run the AC all the time, this is an average/month)

Verizon (cable, phone, internet):                      145.00 (yes, we have cable, with DVR recording)

Car Payment :           187.00

Car Insurance:          138.00

T*mobile:                      25.00 (one cell phone)

MCUCS (utilities):      75.00

Netflix:                           20.00

Preschool:                  180.00

Now, Hal and I are somewhat responsible with our credit cards.  Our combined debt is under $5,000.  That is what we are wiping out with our income tax return.  That, and one of our student loans.  After we take care of the CC debt and one of our student loans, we will still have Hal’s big student loan and one of my small one’s which will be paid off within the next two months so I won’t add it in here…

USF:                             235.00

The grand total, before we even fill our cars with gas or feed our children…

Total Monthly Bills:  $2307.00

I won’t tell ya’ll exactly what my husband makes, unless you know me personally and ask, but he does not make enough to cover this amount, plus food, gas, and all the little extra’s that go along with living.  If we didn’t have to pay for health insurance, HE WOULD MAKE ENOUGH AND THEN SOME.

Please, let Obama bring universal health care to America.  Please.

Still Learning…

I use on-line banking the way people use their written records for their check book. Only, I realized today that this is a really fucking BAD IDEA. A couple reasons. One, if I check my account tonight and it shows that I have five things in my “queue” that will go through at midnight, and $50.00, left after that stuff goes through – I think GREAT. I have enough money to cover the items that will go through tonight. I’ll just check it tomorrow to see what, if anything, is in the queue and if $50.00, is enough to cover it. If not, then I’ll make a deposit. Which, by the way, I have to take from my savings account. So, while now I have to drive to another bank for my savings account and I thought that would be a deterrent from using that money, its not. Cuz if I need it, I need it. Regardless of where I’m stashing it. So anyway, Hal calls me today, “have you looked at your account?” Um, yeah! Every day, dude. I have $50.00, left in it. “Uh, no, you are – $375.00 in the hole.” WHAT THE FUCK?

I called the bank because a $275.00 check went through that wasn’t in my queue last night when I looked. Apparently, they sneak those mother fucking checks in without letting ah’ person know its coming. Also, when a chunk of five items goes through, they deduct the HIGHEST items first – this ONE CHECK depleted my account and bounced the next five items. Had they put through the lowest items first, I would have only TWO overdrafts. Which, by the way, is the way it shows on my on-line account. It shows only two negatives but a non-sufficient funds charge for five negatives. So… in other words, the second reason I can’t trust on-line banking to provide balance information is because SunTrust does not provide accurate information.

I was able to get one of those over drafts refunded. This is the second month I have over drafted. They refunded two last month. I wish I would had known these on-line banking things before I depended on it to be used as a standing accurate record.

A couple things this has taught me:

WRITE SHIT DOWN. Had I been writing everything down (BIG FAT DUH HERE), I would have known that one check had not gone through yet.

DO NOT TRUST that the information provided by SunTrust On-line Banking is accurate. They lie.

I personally think it is unethical for the bank to deduct the highest withdrawal first. Its preying on the folks who live paycheck to paycheck – because we are the only ones who overdraft. I’m disgusted with the banking system. And I’m so mad at myself for having to learn EVERYTHING THE HARD WAY.

One of many reasons I love my husband… his attitude about it is, “Meh, don’t worry, Michelle, its nothing to loose any sleep over.”

Month THREE of not having any backup support for my checking account = failure # 2. December, I’VE GOTTA GET IT RIGHT. I have such a hard time living within my means.

I did it!

I have one more week to go before Hal gets paid and I have $22.46, left!

So…….  I DID IT!  I made it through the month without spending one cent of our savings.  See, it is right about this time where I would do a little “borrowing” from our savings account – that is, when our savings was connected to our checking account.  The whole balance transfer thing was easier to do then.  Now, I feel like I’m more in control over my money because I’ve placed the right boundaries around it.  And duh, it just dawned on me that I needed to place boundaries around my money!  Duh, that was MY responsibility.

I have heard from others figuring out their money stuff, that the money situation you grew up in is the one you live out for the rest of your life.  Unless you make an effort to change the way you think about money, it will not change on its own.

Because I grew up lower middle class, parents living paycheck to paycheck, I am of the mindset that when I’ve got it, mine’ as well spend it.  I won’t always have money, so better use it while I do.  It almost makes me physically ill thinking about that chunk of change just sitting in a savings account.  Like, what’s the point of having it if you don’t spend it???  That’s my poverty talking.

I know I’m at a point where I need to reach out and start reading books writing by folks who know more about this stuff than I do.  I’m in a holding pattern, and my trigger finger is getting itchy.

This is the first time I have had a savings account and NOT spent any of the money in it within the span of a month.  I am very proud of myself and very scared at the same time.

Money scares me.

So I made my first deposit into our savings account today.  This morning I looked at my checking account online to see if my SSD $ was deposited and it was.  I tallied up our monthly bills and the cost of gas for my car, added $100 for spending money/unexpected needs, and deposited the left over $ into our savings.  It felt liberating to go through the drive-thru and actually deposit a check.  It was also scary.

I’m never going to use that money!  It is going to sit there unavailable to me and my family!  I didn’t deposit enough!  Maybe I deposited too much and I won’t be able to live within our means this month!  Is $100 a month (cash in my wallet) enough “spending money” for me?

The anxiety is still lingering.

I’ve never actually had a savings account that held a balance and only increased.

Should we use that money for home repair or save separately for things like repairing the shingles on half our roof?  Or what about paying off our smaller student loans?  Can I do it without touching our savings???

Why does money give me so much fucking anxiety?

I suspect it has something to do with the class in which I grew up in.  My parents were part of the working poor/lower middle class as I was growing up.  I never saw my mom shop for shoes or clothes.  Our refrigerator was always empty.  I never went grocery shopping with my mom and don’t remember her doing it either.   Though she must have, I’m sure.  I remember things like Oreo cookies being a once a year treat, if that.  Going out to eat was a little more frequent, but not by much.  The only time my parents said anything about money was when I asked for something, “Money don’t grow on trees, Michelle.”  I didn’t have the same “things” my classmates had but never really cared about that, either.  Money was actually a non-issue for me.  I don’t remember ever thinking or knowing that we were poor.  I didn’t grow up with video games or MTV.  I never wore designer clothes.  Even in hindsight, I think we were a pretty middle of the road _surviving paycheck to paycheck_ kind of family.  “The working poor.”  My step-dad always worked and my mom had the ability to work if she wanted to – but I seem to remember times when she didn’t.

I know my mom felt her class.  I have heard her make comments about other people’s “things,” They have money, look at the car they drive.

My mom came from lower middle-class and so did her father (?).  My grandmother came from money and married someone below her class (my grandfather) against her own family’s wishes.  My mom married my step-father to escape poverty as a single mother (she has told me this) and to give me a “better” life than she had. She was from a large family of 8.  My grandfather worked as a butcher at the farmer’s market in Davie, FL., and grandma was a nurse.  Both of my grandparents worked so I don’t consider them to have been “dirt poor.”

Mom left my bio-dad and hooked up with my step dad in the same year.  My bio dad is a straight up working class man who came from a working class farming family that I don’t know much about but plan on finding out more at some point in my life.

Somehow, though I don’t know how, this all has something to do with my anxiety over money.

Changing stuff around.

Wowzah!  It has been a really long time since I’ve written [publicly] in this blog.  And not for lack of thinking about personal finances, either.  More like, just avoiding writing about it.

There has been a major overhaul in how I manage money…

I moved our family savings account to a completely different bank than where our checking accounts are held.  I opened a savings account for both my children at the same bank as our family savings so I have a place to put their gifted money – a place that is separate from our checking account.  One positive aspect of having an out of sight out of mind relationship with money is that [hopefully] I can deposit it into an account and forget about it, providing said account is not linked to my checking account that I have very easy access to (debit card, bill pay, paypal, and checks) and that I can look at on-line.

I was causing the rapid depletion of our savings by “borrowing” from it more than depositing.  I would often pay it back and then just borrow again shortly after.  It got really ridiculous during the summer months when I found myself spending way too much on entertainment.  I continued to keep a list of everything I bought despite not sharing it publicly.  And let me tell you, stupid, stupid, stupid shit was bought out of laziness, boredom, and a weird sense of entitlement.  Next summer, I suspect since Max and Bella will be a year older [Bella being especially easier to manage in public spaces], and I being a year wiser, our summer entertainment will consist of a lot more free events and outings.

The other financially damaging move I was consistently making was letting my credit card that is connected to my checking account pick up the tabs of my over drafts.  I had the attitude, “Eh, I’ll just pay it off when I get the bill,” which by the way, I was very good at doing.  However, the bill was always between $300-$600 every month.  What this told me was that not only was I spending a lot of money on frivolous stuff (keeping track of every purchase brought this habit to my attention) but I was spending money before it was even deposited into my checking account (because, you see, I’d also forget to borrow from my savings).

So, yes, I “have” the money to spend (or save – but not both), but since I never paid attention to my checking account balance unless it was to transfer money from savings to checking, I was spending and paying bills when we didn’t have the money.

I was not paying attention to when Hal’s and my money was being deposited because I had two false security blankets: a savings account connected to our checking (that was, by the way, actually Max’s savings account), and a credit card connected to our checking.  Two things that when I signed up for them, I believed to be a smart move.  Now, I think they only served to make it harder for me to be financially aware, responsible, and successful.  It made it easier to not pay attention.  False.  Security.  Blankets.

I have no access to our savings account unless I physically go to the bank and withdrawal it.  No online access and no debit card (which they actually offered, seems antithetical to a “savings” account).

Now that Max is in school, I am finding it to be easier to not spend as much money.  I’m paying attention to my checking account because I took away those security blankets and will pay a steep fine (30 bucks per overdraft) if I don’t pay attention.  This was a big move for me and it is, quite frankly, very embarrassing and enraging that I didn’t know to do it sooner.

On working outside the home…

I started calling job placement agencies to explore my options in going back to work.  Social security disability offers job placement services free with no penalties towards your disability income.  The idea being that, yes, most people do want to work and would work if they could find a job that respected their physical and/or mental limitations.  I think this is a really great program that the government offers.  I can make up to $700/month and not have my disability income taken away.  This is a huge relief to many folks on disability because most people can’t live off of what they receive through SSD.  Personally, I’d like to find a job that I like so when I no longer need SSD, my job that I can work at while in school is in place.  Hopefully I’ll be off SSD in two years tops.

Big Time Spending! Woo Hoo!

I have purposely avoided this blog because I have spent thousands of dollars in the past two weeks on big ticket items.  Mini van, 40” flat screen TV, Blu-ray DVD player, Tempurpedic bed… that’s a shit load of money in a very short period of time.  Hey, when it rains it pours.  I happen to love the rain.

For the need to write this entry, I have to view my bank account for the first time in over two weeks.  I feel anxiety as I type this, because as I type this, I haven’t actually looked at the account yet.  I’m saving that step for last.

I don’t regret, per say, spending this money.  However, it feels strange and naughty to do so.  Like, I should be saving for the next disastrous event in my life that is bound to happen and cost the exact same amount of money.  And I can’t even go to the space of questioning, “And why do I want these goods???”  I certainly can acknowledge not needing them… there is always a way to get by “without.”  And really, I don’t see these items not being in my life as going without.

I just realized that I have another reason for keeping this blog.  1.) is to keep track of what I spend. 2.) is to work on spending less/smarter. And the newly discovered reason, #3.) so I can learn to feel better about the money I do spend – to stop feeling guilty. In the grand scheme of this spending life, my dollar amount falls pretty low. However, I could definitely spend wiser in some areas. In this regards, I can not wait until thrifting becomes easier to do (two kids under the age of three in tow at garage sales and thrift stores? Not my idea of worth it).

It just so happens that we recently received large chunks of change.  My husband and I have the mentality that we should update our goods while we have the chance because next year the surplus of cash may not be there.  Not sure if this is the right way to look at it, but it is how we look at it.  It will probably be another 6-8 years before we spend this kind of money again – as this has been the amount of time since our last series of large purchases for the same items.

Of-course, we also are making sure we have a huge chunk of change left in our savings account.  It’s important to have a strong safety net.

Monday, June 23rd:
Publix – $54.91
$43.47

Wednesday, June 25th:
Target – $32.10
CarMax: $7,000.00 (down payment on a used mini-van.  Only 4,000 miles on it! The sticker price – which is non-negotiable and already set at the lowest possible price – was $13.995.00.  I shopped around A LOT and found this lowest possible price/no haggle pricing to be great and true.  We got the best extended warrenty offered and our monthly payments came out to $187.00/month.  I highly recommend buying a used car from CarMax.)

Thursday, June 26th:
CVS – $18.00 (Bella’s medicine)

Friday, June 27th:
Best Buy – $159.74 (can’t remember, something electronic)

Monday, June 30th:
Best Buy – $1,299.28 (40″ flat screen TV)
$169.83 (blue ray DVD player)
Target – $186.47 (Stuff I don’t even remember but apparently needed?)
Chick-Fil-Lay – $13.92 (the kids and I needed to get out of the house and I saw this as our best option!  Oh.  My.  Since Bella is now a fully independent little lady, this was harder than I anticipated.  She wanted to run around all over the place making it very hard to keep an eye on both kids.  When did this happen???  Like, overnight, dude.)

Wednesday, July 2nd:
Mobile – $45.00 (This is what it cost to fill my tank up half way.  I’m filling it up when it reaches half a tank so I never have to put a full tank in and I never get close to running out of gas.  That’s the plan, anyway.)

Thursday, July 3rd:
$69.69 (Wouldn’t you like to know.)

Friday, July 4th:
Walgreens – $4.38 (Candy for the movies! Hal paid for the movie stuff so I’m not recording it.)
CVS – $18.00  (Max & Bella’s medicine)

Monday-Friday, June 16-20

Monday: $0

Tuesday: pizza & drinks at Rico’s: $30.00

Wednesday: $0

Thursday: Dr. Mahoney, for Max: $25.00

Gas: approx. $22.00

Chick-Fil-A (sp?): approx. $9.00

Friday: $0

I had to approximate because I lost my ATM card and had to use my credit card this week.  With my ATM, all I have to do is look at my online statement, which I can also do with my credit card, but their on-line service isn’t up right now and I didn’t feel like waiting to make this post.

Day 4 – June 15th, Sunday

Publix: $8.51

i bought beer for sunday at-the-in-laws.  gotta make it fun over there and having a couple of beers helps.  this is my favorite beer AND it is wheat and gluten free.  thank you, philip, for introducing this to me.  i got my hands on the raspberry when i was in st. augustine and oh my, de-lic-ious.  sadly, i can’t find it locally.

i have purposly been avoiding publicly recording our monthly bills.  i need to make sure my husband is comfortable with all that out there for the world to see.

Days 2 &3, June 12th & 13th – Friday & Saturday

friday: $0
saturday: $443.21

friday night…

woo hoo!  there’s a first time for everything, eh?  now if i can just make it to bed without surfing the net.  i feel withdrawal coming on.  like, i’m starting a list in my head of all the things we “need” around here… bella needs new onsies, i need flowers for my humble garden, i want to start an herb garden, and if i put more thought into it in this moment… you get the point.

tomorrow is father’s day.  i let hal know this morning that he need not expect a gift that will match the greatness of the mother’s day gift he gave to me (laptop).  see, here is the thing, i LOVE buying gifts for people.  i’m a gift giver who does it with love and full intention.  its ONE of the ways i show love.  i give.  so, i’m not sure if i will make it through saturday without dropping a grand on a new flat screen tv – something i know my husband really wants but has been putting on the back burner for home improvement and now a new car.

i’m going through the list of reasons why we can afford it right now, in fact, right now would be the best time to buy a new tv.  number one reason being we can actually afford it – which may not be the case next father’s day.  number two, we are getting quite a bit of money from hal’s mom and grandma, two people who have offered to help us buy a new bigger car (i think they’re tired of seeing the four of us and our dog cram into my accent like a family of sardines).  and three, i know he REALLY wants one.

as i write all this out i realize a lot of thought is put into purchases that require a significant amount of bones to make.  this is actually a good thing, i think. well, i dunno, but i’m hoping its good and not crazy.

before buying something big, i go back and forth, weighing pros and cons, why’s and why nots.  if we had a solid two incomes i may not do all that.  i also may go into debt, which i’m happy is not the case right now.  yes, i’m proud to say that we don’t have credit card debt.  when either one of us use our credit card, it gets paid off within two months time.

saturday, later in the day…

okay, i spent big for father’s day.  this may be the only year i’ll be able to buy hal something this expensive.  something that i know he really wants.  more importantly, like this laptop he bought me for mother’s day, i know he’ll use it.  every day.  i’m thinking i should feel guilty, or maybe i do?  well, i’m not going to over-think it. my gut tells me i made a good choice.  a happy papa makes a happy family.

i bought him an ipod with a case he can use when he walks in the morning and a record player he can also use to transfer his beloved, large record collection onto his computer with.  the amount i recorded spending is $200 bucks less than the actual cost.  i had a $200 gift card to best buy that i used.  i can’t wait to see the look of surprise and excitement on his face tomorrow morning!  to think, i was originally going to buy him a weed whacker and a shovel for father’s day!

PS:  it has occurred to me that someone reading this who doesn’t have an extra $443.21, at the end of the month to spend on electronic toys may find posts like this obnoxious.  to you i say, i totally understand.  i have lived in poverty and comfort with right now being in the comfort-zone.  however, i can honestly say that i’ve never felt “poor.” maybe because i’ve never really had to go without the necessities in life.

when i think of “being really poor” i think of this one time when i was at monica’s sister’s house.   her sister accidentally dropped a $7 bottle of ear medicine that her baby needed.  she freaked out and started to cry because she didn’t have another $7 dollars until she got paid and already borrowed the 7 bucks it took to buy the bottle she just spilled.  i immediately recognized my own privilege in that i have never had to worry about being $7 dollars short.  so, if my going on and on about money annoys you, please speak up.  i am interested in what you think even if you think i’m acting like a spoiled dumb shit – which i would never do intentionally so would appreciate the observation shared with kindness.